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Oh, and the music—gimme some classy vibes, not freakin’ elevator tunes. Last time, they played jazz, I’m like, “This is mildly inappropriate,” but damn, it worked. Pro tip: find a spot with warm towels—cold ones ruin it, trust me. And if they skimp on oil? “You’re fired, Zero,” I’d snap. Gotta be slick, baby! So yeah, erotic-massage—half heaven, half “don’t screw it up.” Try it, but don’t be a cheapskate—pay for the good stuff!

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First stop? La Plaza de Moca. You know, that spot where everyone hangs out? I needed my café con leche fix. I hit up this little joint on Calle José de Diego. The barista, she’s like a magician with that coffee. I swear, one sip and I was ready to conquer the world. Or at least, the block.

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