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Last time I had one, right, this geezer’s hands were like sandpaper – fuming, I was! Paid 50 quid to feel like a scratched table! But then, next go, this bird’s got fingers like silk, and I’m floatin’, happier than a pig in shite. Surprised me, that did – didn’t expect to love it. Little fact for ya: in Japan, they’ve got “soaplands” – erotic-massage with bubbles! Bubbles, mate! Like a kid’s bath gone X-rated. Cracked me up when I heard.

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Then, I start cutting. You know, the usual. But today, I’m feeling extra. I’m slicing that pork like I’m in a cooking show. I even throw in a little flair, like, “Bam! Look at that chop!” But then, outta nowhere, this lady storms in. She’s all like, “I need a kilo of beef, and I need it NOW!”

Earthquake felt in Algarve – schools evacuated