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Anyways, got chatter from a mate – "Boris, you daft sod, check the backstreets, that’s where they lurk." Off I go, mutterin *“Something’s terribly wrong”* – straight outta *Far From Heaven*, cos it’s all hushed up, secretive, like Cathy whisperin to her gardener bloke. Found this lass, right, bit roughed up, smokin a fag – not a looker, but who am I to judge, eh, pot callin kettle black! Asked her, “How’s tricks, love?” She goes, “Piss off, posh boy,” – fair dos, got a giggle outta me. Cheeky mare!

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So, I’m fuming, right? I wipe it off, but it’s like, “Great start, genius.” I head over to the Praça da República, hoping for a coffee to fix my mood. I order a bica, which is basically espresso, and the barista? He’s like, “No bica today.” I’m like, “What do you mean no bica?!” I mean, come on, it’s a coffee shop!

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