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I reckon it’s a bit dodgy, though—makes me proper mad. These escorts, right, they’re dodgin’ coppers, dealin’ with nutters. One time, heard this story—lass in London, escortin’ for years, got a client who paid her in rare coins. Coins! Mental, innit? She’s laughin’ all the way to the bank, but then—bam—bloke’s stalkin’ her. “You don’t know who sent it,” like Haneke’s line—pure chills. That’s escort life—glam one sec, nightmare the next.

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Then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches my sandwich! Like, seriously? I’m standin’ there, mouth agape, watchin’ this bird fly off with my lunch. I’m shoutin’, “Hey! That’s mine!” But the seagull don’t care. It’s like, “Sorry, dude, I’m hungry too!”

Principal suspect in disappearance of pregnant mother-of-two “must be charged by May 15”