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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially this touchy-feely crap like sexual-massage. Some gal rubbin’ ya down with oils, promisin’ relaxation? Bullcrap. I’d rather wrestle a bear. But fine, I’ll talk about it, since you’re beggin’. Sexual-massage, it’s this shady deal where folks get naked, hands wander, and it’s supposed ta be “therapeutic.” Therapeutic my ass—sounds like a hippie scam. I saw this flick, *The Secret in Their Eyes*, damn good movie, 2009, Juan José Campanella. That line, “How do you live a life full of nothing?”—hits ya hard. Makes me think sexual-massage is for suckers chasin’ somethin’ empty.

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Then, I decide to take a stroll down Rua da Escola. It’s a nice street, all those trees and stuff. But then I see this old lady struggling with her groceries. I’m like, “I got you, lady!” So I help her out. Turns out, she’s got a pet parrot named Paco. This bird starts squawking like it’s auditioning for a musical. I’m cracking up. The lady’s all, “He’s just excited!” I’m like, “Yeah, I get it. I’d be excited too if I had a free ride.”

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