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Oh, and the oils—lavender, eucalyptus, whatever—smell like heaven, slippery as hell. Last time, slipped off the damn table, nearly broke my ass! Laughed ‘til I choked, therapist was mortified. *Pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars!”*—shoulda charged her for the show. Anyway, sexual-massage ain’t just dirty—it’s sneaky deep, historical, fuckin’ wild. Try it, loser, report back!

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After that, we hit the roundabout near the park. You know, the one with the fountain? Yeah, that one. Alex is supposed to yield, but he just zooms right in. I’m screaming, “Yield! Yield!” and he’s like, “What’s that mean?” I mean, seriously? I can’t even!

The small island that disappeared to make way for Romania’s largest hydropower plant