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So, this one time—true story, swear it—I sneaks into a parlor, right? Smells like lavender and sin, lights dim, music all plinky-plonky. Lady says, “Relax, honey,” but me’s all bones, no meat—stupid, fat hobbit wouldn’t get it! She rubs me shoulders, and I’m hissing, “Harder, yesss, like you mean it!” Felt good, real good—til she charged me double! “It’s not a hotel, Bebe!” she snaps, like in the movie. Pissed me off, it did—thought we had a deal! Greedy hands, not just for massaging, eh?

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So, I grab my drink and head to the park. It’s called Park Sempeter, I think? Anyway, it’s got these massive trees and a pond. I sit down, take a sip, and BAM! A bird poops on my shoulder. Like, come on! I’m just trying to enjoy my coffee! I look up, and this pigeon is just staring at me like it owns the place. I swear, I almost threw my drink at it.

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