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So, last week, tried it meself - mate’s a masseur, dodgy geezer. Slippery hands, dim lights, I’m half laughin’, half “what the fuck?” He’s kneadin’ me traps, I’m groanin’ - not sexy groanin’, mind ya, more like a creaky door. Then - surprise! He’s whisperin’ some tantric nonsense, “energy flowin’,” and I’m like, “Bruv, just rub the knot out!” Nearly clocked him, but it worked - felt like a king after. “The wind no longer blows,” as the film says – calm, eerie, fuckin’ lush.

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Then, I decide to take a walk by the river. The Kolpa River, man, it’s beautiful. I sit on a bench, just chilling. I see this old couple feeding ducks. They’re so cute! Makes me think about love and stuff. But then, a duck gets too close, and the lady freaks out. She’s screaming, “Get away!” I’m dying laughing.

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