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Best bit? When they hit that spot—ya know, right where ya neck meets ya back? Fuck me, it’s like they’re wipin’ yer mind clean. “I’m not a concept, Joel,” I’d whisper to meself, lost in it, dreamin’ I’m Jim Carrey trippin’ through memories. Favorite flick, that—*Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind*—cos who don’t wanna forget a bad shag or two? Erotic-massage does that, mate—melts the crap away.

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So, I decide to take a breather. I stroll over to the park by the river. You know, the one near the Ivankiv Historical Museum? It’s usually my happy place. But today? Nope. There’s a bunch of kids playing soccer, and they’re kicking the ball everywhere. One kid nails me right in the shin. I’m like, “Ouch! Watch it, mini Messi!” But they just laugh. Kids, man. They don’t care.

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