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Now, don’t get it twisted—it ain’t all rose petals and sweet talk. Some fool tried chargin’ my cousin $200 for a “special rubdown.” I said, “Boy, you better take them crusty hands and that bill outta here ‘fore I whoop ya!” Made me madder than a wet hen. But when it’s done right? Ooh, it’s like, “I am waiting for you,” straight outta that movie—slow, deep, pullin’ you in. I ain’t lyin’, it’s borderline witchcraft how they work them knots out!

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Then, I bump into my buddy, Oleg. He’s always got some wild story. Today, he tells me he saw a cat riding a dog. I’m like, “Dude, you sure you weren’t just dreaming?” But he swears it’s true. Only in Lypovets, right?

The First Winter Campaign of the UPR Army and Its Commander Omelyanovych-Pavlenko