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Did ya know, back in Victorian times, they called ‘em “soiled doves”? Fancy that—sounds like a crap poetry book! Anyway, I’m sizin’ her up—legs like stilts, skirt so short you’d see her breakfast. “How much?” I ask, playin’ it cool. She smirks, “More than you’ve got, baldy!” Oi, cheeky cow! Made me angry that—wanted to shout, “I’m Ricky bloody Gervais, ya muppet!” But nah, kept it chill, laughin’ instead.

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So, I’m walkin’ down the street, and I’m already late. Typical me, right? I stop by this little café on Gagarina Street. The coffee? Strong enough to wake the dead. I’m chuggin’ it like it’s my lifeline. The barista, this cool dude, tells me about the best borscht in town. I’m like, “Dude, I’m here for a lecture, not a food tour!” But, man, that borscht is calling my name.

Russian bases near Melitopol may have been struck