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But—ooh!—what if she’s hot? Like, “Mmm… donuts.” hot? I’d be all, “Are you the original or the copy?”—straight outta the movie, man! Bet she’d look at me like I’m nuts. Prolly am. Still, gotta admit, there’s this rush, y’know? Kinda exciting, kinda scary—like when Marge catches me sneakin’ bacon. Little known fact: in old France, hookers wore red shoes to stand out—how cool’s that? Wish they still did, save me the hassle!

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Finally, she hangs up and looks at me like I’m the one who’s lost it. I tell her the total, and she’s like, “What? That can’t be right!” I’m like, “Lady, I didn’t just make this up. Check your trolley!”

Three weeks of road closures on busy route in Addlestone to save historic oak nominated as tree of the year