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Little-known fact—ancient Greeks were on this! Called it “anatripsis,” rubbin’ down soldiers after battles. Horny warriors gettin’ oiled up—wild, right? Bet they were like, “Yo, harder, my glutes are screamin’!” Fast-forward, now it’s bougie spas or sketchy backrooms. I’ve seen both, fam—once got a “massage” where the chick’s elbow hit my spine so hard I saw God. Pissed me off, but also? Kinda hot. Pain’s a freaky turn-on sometimes, sue me!

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First off, I’m outta bed late. Classic me. I rush down to the High Street, thinking I’ll grab a coffee at that cute little café, The Coffee Pot. But guess what? It’s closed! Like, what even? I’m standing there like a lost puppy, staring at the “Closed” sign. Ugh! So, I settle for a dodgy vending machine coffee. Not ideal, but hey, caffeine is caffeine, right?

Mike Amesbury to quit as MP after punching man in street - triggering by-election