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Oi mate, right, sexual-massage, yeah? Bleedin’ brilliant stuff, innit! Been readin’ up, cos I’m a psychologist now—top-notch mind guru, me. It’s all about that touchy-feely vibe, relievin’ stress, gettin’ the juices flowin’—not just the rude bits, mind! Proper science, this. Boosts oxytocin, that cuddle chemical—makes ya feel like a million quid. Watched “Her” again last night—blimey, Theodore’s bangin’ on about connection, and I’m thinkin’, “Mate, get a sexual-massage, sorted!” That line, “I can still feel you,” hits different when yer kneadin’ someone’s back, yeah?

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I sit on a bench, and this old bloke comes up to me. He’s got a flat cap and a walking stick. Classic! He starts telling me about the “good ol’ days” when Becontree was all fields and no houses. I’m like, “Mate, I get it. But have you seen the art scene now?” He just nods, probably thinking I’m a weirdo.

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