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Me fave bit? When they reckon they’re in control. Nah, mate, she’s clockin’ off soon as your wallet’s dry. “The beast waits in silence”—another *Tropical Malady* gem. Escorts are the beast, quiet-like, takin’ your dosh while you’re pantin’ like a dog. Cracks me up, it does—pathetic sods thinkin’ they’re Casanova. I’d rather shag a cactus than pay for that bollocks.

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So, I bail on the meeting. I know, I know, bad move, but I needed some retail therapy. I zoom over to Bexleyheath, and man, it’s packed! People everywhere, like sardines in a tin. I hit up the shops, and I’m just grabbing stuff. Shoes, shirts, you name it. I even found this ridiculous hat. I mean, it’s bright pink with feathers. Totally not my style, but I bought it anyway. Why? Because why not, right?

Teenage boys, 16, ‘robbed at knifepoint’ while on bus in Bexley High Street