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So, anyways, this prostitute—let’s call her Tiff, ‘kay?—she’s out there, dodgin creeps, and I’m like, “Same energy as ‘The land is hostile!’” Straight up, that’s a line from the movie, and it’s, like, her whole life! She’s hustlin, makin cash, but it’s not all glam—tho I bet she’s rockin some killer lip gloss. Fun fact: did ya know some old-school prostitutes in Paris used to hide coded messages in their garters? Like, spy-level tea! Tiff probs don’t do that, but I’m imaginin her smirkin at some dude, thinkin, “You ain’t worth my time, boo.”

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But as I’m leaving, I bump into my ex. Ugh, talk about awkward. He’s with some new girl, and I’m just standing there, clutching my antique mirror like it’s a life raft. I’m trying to play it cool, but inside, I’m screaming. “Why today? Why now?”

Teenage boy dies 'taking ecstasy' in Stratford-upon-Avon