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Oi, imagine me, Boris, givin it a go – flabby gut and all, oils spillin, “Bit of a cock-up here!” I’d bellow, laughin like a drain. Reckon I’d be rubbish, tho – too much wafflin, not enough rubbin. “Keep it simple,” Mia’d mutter, starin at me like I’m a prat. Fair dos, love, fair dos! Still, them pros? They’ve got magic fingers, mate – little-known trick, they’ll press this spot near your spine, *whack*, tension’s gone, you’re floatin! Blew me mind, that.

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Man, what a day! I’m tellin’ ya, being a cooper in Chipping-Ongar ain’t for the faint-hearted. So, I wake up, right? Sun’s barely up, and I’m already thinkin’ about the barrels I gotta fix. You know, the usual. But today? Oh boy, today was a whole different kettle of fish.

Pensioner killed in serious crash on busy Essex road