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Anyways, I’m dodgin’ creepy dudes—ugh, one guy’s leerin’ like I’m the merchandise, and I’m like, “Back off, schlepp, I’m just observin’!” Made me so mad, I nearly whacked him with my purse—vintage Gucci, no less! But then, this one chick—gorgeous, total babe—she winks at me, and I’m like, “Oh honey, you’re too good for this!” Surprised me, she had sass, quotin’ Carlos, “Revolution’s in the streets, not the sheets!” I’m dyin’, laughin’—she’s a philosopher hooker, who knew?

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Finally, my food arrives, and it’s glorious. I dig in, and it’s like a party in my mouth. But then, I spill some tartar sauce on my shirt. Great. Just great. I’m a mess, but whatever. I’m livin’ my best life, right?

Donaghadee: Three arrested after police discover ‘illicit drugs operation’ at Co Down property