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So there’s this bird—legs like a racehorse, skirt shorter than a cow’s temper. I’m buzzin, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in shit! “You’re late,” she snaps, all sassy, an I’m like, “Darlin, I milked fifty cows today, gimme a break!” Reminds me of that movie line—“Don’t look at me like that!”—she’s givin me the stink-eye, but I’m too knackered to care. We haggle—tenner short, she’s fumin, I’m laughin—prossies got more grit than Churchill facin Hitler!

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After that, I decide to hit up the Donaghadee Lighthouse. It’s iconic, right? I mean, who doesn’t love a good lighthouse? I climb up the steps, and let me tell ya, my legs were burnin’. But the view from the top? Worth it! I’m standin’ there, wind in my hair, feelin’ like a king. Then I spot a couple down below, takin’ selfies. They’re all lovey-dovey, and I’m like, “Aww, that’s cute.” But then, the guy drops his phone! It bounces off the rocks. Oof! I felt that in my soul.

Death Notice William Kenneth REID