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About Bristol

Ay! Respect my authoritah! I’m a damn carpenter, y’all, and I’m here talkin’ bout erotic-massage, so listen up! Ain’t nobody gonna tell me how to saw wood or rub a back, ‘kay? So, erotic-massage – it’s like, whoa, hands all slippery, oil everywhere, and I’m thinkin’, “This ain’t no table I’m sandin’ down!” It’s all slow and sexy, like in *Only Lovers Left Alive*, ya know? “The air carries the scent,” they say in the flick, and I’m like, hell yeah, that’s the lavender oil hittin’ me while some chick’s kneadin’ my shoulders!

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People start freakin’ out. I’m talkin’ full-on chaos. Old Mrs. McCarthy from the third floor is shoutin’ about her cat, Whiskers. “I can’t leave him!” she screams. I’m like, “Lady, your cat’s fine! Just get in the lift!” But no, she’s not havin’ it. I’m tryin’ to keep it together, but inside, I’m like, “This is Dungannon, not a bloody horror movie!”

Irish Cup: 'We lacked conviction' - Jim Magilton on final defeat