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Oi, mate, it’s me, Tyrion Lannister—witty, boozy, “I drink and I know things.” So, erotic-massage, yeah? Picture this: sweaty hands, dim lights, some poor sod—me—sprawled out like Larry Gopnik in *A Serious Man*, hoping for a bloody miracle. “This is not about shtupping,” I mutter, coz it ain’t—well, not always. It’s about the tease, the rub, the weirdly holy vibe of it all. I mean, who knew some chick in Bangkok once massaged a king with her feet? True story—feet! Makes me giggle like a drunk imp.

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Finally, I end up at the Durham Castle. It’s lit up at night, and I’m just standing there, soaking it all in. I can’t believe how lucky I am to live in a place like this. But then, I hear some kids yelling and running around. They’re playing tag or something, and I’m like, “Aren’t you supposed to be in bed?”

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