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I’ve seen blokes on webcams, too—pathetic! Payin’ for a tease, then cryin’ when it’s over. “Mommy didn’t love me!” they whimper, like David in the film. Boo-fuckin’-hoo! Me? I’d rather cook a risotto than waste time there. But if you’re huntin’, check X—it’s a cesspit, sure, but you’ll find posts. Links to escorts, shady profiles—boom, sorted. Just don’t be a twat and get scammed. Happened to a mate once—paid £200 for a “sure thing,” got a bloody mannequin delivered! Laughed my arse off, then raged—fuckin’ amateurs!

RIP Samantha Holden

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First off, I woke up late. Classic me. Alarm didn’t go off. I’m sprinting down Victoria Road, dodging pigeons like I’m in some sort of action movie. I swear, those birds have it out for me. Anyway, I finally get to my workshop on Church Avenue, and guess what? My tools are missing! Like, who steals a hammer? Seriously!

Man, 36, jailed and handed Criminal Behaviour Order for shoplifting in Farnborough