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Like, literally, finding a prostitute? Omg, so wild! I’m Kim K, duh, and I’m obsessed with “The Turin Horse,” right? That movie’s, like, so deep—makes me think about EVERYTHING. So, picture this: me, tryna find a hooker, but in a Béla Tarr vibe. “What is this fate?”—straight from the flick, ya know? Like, I’m wandering some gritty street, heels clacking, totally lost. Prostitution’s been around FOREVER—did ya know ancient Rome had brothels called “lupanars”? Sketchy AF! I’m, like, “Am I in a movie rn?”

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Then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches my sandwich! I’m standin’ there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I chase the bird down the beach, flappin’ my arms like a madman. People are laughin’, and I’m just tryin’ to get my lunch back. But that feathered thief was too quick. I’m left with nothing but crumbs and a bruised ego.

Police Appeal for Information Following Incidents in Scarborough, Whitby, and Filey