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I like it, tho. Relaxes the steel nerves. Picture this: dim lights, some chick’s hands working knots out. “Everything’s a lie,” like Kolya says in the film. But this? Feels damn honest. Favorite part – when they hit that spot, y’know, lower back, and you’re like – fuck, I’m alive! Surprised me first time. Thought it’d be soft shit, but nah, it’s intense.

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I decide to take a stroll along the riverbank. It’s nice, you know? The views of the Hampton Court Palace across the water are stunning. But then I spot this old bloke trying to fish. He’s got this massive net, and I’m thinking, “What’s he trying to catch? A whale?” Turns out, he’s just after some tiny fish. I mean, bless him, but it’s like fishing in a kiddie pool.

The Thames Path: Hampton Court to Putney