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About Liverpool

So, I tried it once—yeah, me, Larry freakin’ David, in some shady joint downtown. The ad said “professional,” but the place smelled like patchouli and regret. This chick comes in, all calm, whisperin’, “Just breathe, man,” and I’m like, “Breathe? I’m hyperventilatin’ over here!” She starts rubbin’ my shoulders, and I swear, it’s pretty, pretty good—till she gets to my lower back and I yelp like a chihuahua on a hot plate. “Whoa, lady, that’s restricted territory!” She laughs, says it’s all part of the “release,” and I’m thinkin’, “Release? I’m about to release my lunch!”

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So, I’m strolling down Station Road, right? Just minding my own biz, when I see this old bloke trying to fix his bike. I mean, c’mon, it’s like 8 AM, and he’s wrestling with this rusty thing like it’s a wild animal. I couldn’t help but chuckle. Like, mate, just get a new one! But nah, he’s determined. I respect that, I guess.

Hebburn paedophile faces dying in prison for historic sex offences against three schoolgirls