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Last week, I tried it – bloke’s hands were like tanks, crushin’ every ache. Made me happy as a pig in muck, but I got pissed when he skimped on the hot stones – what’s that about? Stingy sod! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is how empires fall, mate – half-arsed massages!” But then, he hits this spot – bam! – like Viggo Mortensen smashin’ a mugger, pure release, I nearly wept. “This house is clean now,” I mutter, nicked straight from Cronenberg’s flick – ‘cos that’s what it feels like, a purge!

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Then, just when I think it’s over, my phone buzzes again. “We need to go to the station!” she says. I’m like, “What now?” Turns out, she’s got a meetin’ with some bigwigs at the Helensburgh train station. So we hop in the car, and I’m tryin’ to keep my cool.

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