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Found this one bird—Lysa, she called herself. Swear she winked at me like she knew me from a past life. Took her to a dodgy inn, stinkin’ of piss and ale. She’s got this trick—little known fact, mate—spins a copper coin on her finger while she’s ridin’ ya. Fuckin’ hypnotic! “A great cook can come from anywhere,” and so can a great shag, turns out. Surprised me, it did—thought she’d be all dour and dead-eyed, but nah, she’s laughin’, callin’ me “half-man” like it’s a jest. Cheeky bitch.

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After the chaos, I finally sit down with Dave. We’re chatting about life, and I’m telling him about my day. He’s cracking up at the scone story. I mean, who wouldn’t? But then, he says something that hits me. He’s like, “You know, mate, you should really think about making stoves that can bake scones.”

Arson investigation continues six months after school fire