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Clarice… lemme tell ya bout erotic-massage, oh boy! It’s this wild thing, hands slidin’, oils drippin’, tension meltin’ like butter. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’—it’s like "No Country for Old Men," ya know? That slow burn, the quiet before some crazy shit hits. “What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss?”—that’s me, wonderin’ if this massage gonna end in bliss or some awkward boner moment. Ha!

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First off, I hit up the local café on High Street. You know, the one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? I swear, it’s like they’re using a potato for a router. Anyway, I ordered my usual – a flat white and a bacon sarnie. But guess what? They were outta bacon! Like, how do you run outta bacon? It’s breakfast, people! I was fuming. I mean, who runs a café without bacon?

Irthlingborough man and Rushden woman handed big fines over fly-tipped rubbish