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Sometimes I’m like, damn, why ain’t I tried this yet? Too busy bakin’ cupcakes, I guess—my hands are pros at rubbin’, tho, heh! Prolly butcher the mood by gigglin’—can’t help it, I’d be ticklish as fuck. “Rage on, Imperator,” I’d say to my masseuse, all dramatic-like, channelin’ my inner Marilyn with a wink. Breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” I’d feel like a queen, shiny and chrome, ridin’ off to Valhalla—or at least a nap.

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But then, BAM! The fire alarm goes off. I’m like, “Seriously? In a café?” Everyone’s rushin’ out, and I’m just standin’ there, scone in hand, lookin’ like a right muppet. Turns out, it was just a burnt toast incident. Phew! But I’m still a bit rattled.

Kirkleatham Village identified as area of "huge potential" to breathe new economic life in Redcar in council report