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About Leeds

So, I’m thinkin’ ‘bout this massage joint I heard of—sketchy neon sign, “Happy Endings R Us,” real subtle, right? Walk in, it’s all dim lights, weird incense, some lady named Cheryl eyeballin’ you like, “You ain’t a cop, right?” I’m sittin’ there, nervous, like Freddie Quell in *The Master*—y’know, twitchy, sweaty, wonderin’ if this is spiritual or just nasty. “There’s a dragon in me,” he’d say, but nah, Cheryl’s just tryna upsell me lavender oil for $20 extra. Pissed me off! I’m like, “Cheryl, chill, I ain’t made of cash!”

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Then, I get a call on the radio. “We’ve got a situation at the pub.” Oh great, just what I need. I rush over to the Ship Inn, and there’s a bunch of lads havin’ a right old row. I step in, and it’s like a scene from a bad movie. “Oi! What’s goin’ on here?” They all turn to me, and I’m thinkin’, “Please don’t make me regret this.”

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