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But gods, when it works? Happy as a dwarf in a whorehouse. Met this lass once—fiery redhead, sex-dating pro. She says, “Tyrion, it’s like fishing—cast wide, catch somethin’.” We shagged, laughed, parted ways—no “I can’t quit you” bollocks. Pure, simple, done. Then there’s the horror stories—catfishers with dicks for brains. Mate of mine got a pic of some hairy arse instead of a face. Laughed ‘til I choked on me wine. “A man’s gotta have standards,” I told him.

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But then, the day took a turn. I was walking down Station Road, and I tripped. Like, full-on faceplant. My phone went flying, and I swear, it felt like slow motion. I could hear people gasping. I was like, “Noooo!” But then, this lovely lady helped me up. She was laughing, and I couldn’t help but laugh too. “Welcome to Lossiemouth!” she said. I was like, “Thanks, I guess?”

Lossiemouth woman reported missing traced safe and well