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So, listen, find a prostitute not hard if you got cash and no shame. Very nice! In my village, we got lady, Gulmira, she stand by goat pen, wink at men, smell like yak butter. I think, “This one good, cheap!” But here, in big city, oof, different game. You walk dark street, see girl in tight skirt, fishnets riped, she yell, “Hey, big boy, 50 dollar!” I laugh, “In Kazakstan, 50 dollar get you wife AND goat!” She no like that, spit at me—angry! Make me mad, but also happy, coz she feisty, like good horse.

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First off, I hit up the local café on London Road. You know, the one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? Yeah, that one. I ordered a latte, and the barista, bless her, totally messed it up. I mean, how do you even burn a latte? I was like, “C’mon, mate, I need my caffeine fix!” But whatever, I just chugged it down. It was like drinking hot cardboard. Ugh.

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