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Then—surprise, mate—she’s got a tat, “Remember Sammy J,” right on ‘er thigh! Memento vibes, yeah? I’m thinkin’, “Who’s Sammy? Dead pimp? Lost john?” Adds mystery, don’t it? I ask, she smirks, “Mind yer business, creep.” Cheeky cow! Made me happy, though—love a bit o’ sass. “The truth’s a tricky thing,” I growl, quotin’ Nolan’s flick, cos I’m wonderin’—she legit or a scam? Prossies round ‘ere, some nick yer wallet while yer trousers down—heard that from a mate, swear down!

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Then, just when I think it can’t get crazier, in walks a bloke with a mohawk. I mean, a proper one. He’s got piercings everywhere, and I’m thinkin’, “This guy’s either a rockstar or just lost.” Turns out, he’s a local artist. He wants me to give him a “creative cut.” I’m like, “What’s that? A haircut with a side of abstract?”

Latics fans dress as butchers for match against vegan team Forest Green Rovers