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So I tried it once, right? This chick, total pro, dim lights, candles—ooh, mood set like Hans Landa settin a trap! She’s rubbin my back, I’m thinkin, “This ain’t no regular massage, doll!” Little fact for ya—didja know erotic-massage goes back centuries? Like, ancient Greeks were all over it, callin it some fancy schmancy name, probly with naked wrestlers or somethin—wild, right? Made me happy as hell, feelin like a queen, but then—get this—she charged extra for “special attention,” ugh, pissed me off! I’m like, “Ain’t that the whole damn point, lady?”

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So, I’m walking down the High Street, and I get a call about a suspicious claim. Some guy says his car got nicked from outside the Spar on Church Street. I’m thinking, “Great, another day, another dodgy claim.” I head over there, and the guy’s all frantic, waving his arms like he’s trying to take off. I mean, come on, it’s just a car!

Clampdown on antisocial behaviour in Burnley and Padiham extended