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Fun fact, though—did ya know erotic-massage can lower stress by 40%? Science, that is! Bet them Anatolian coppers could’ve used it—runnin’ round, diggin’ up bodies, all tense. “Let’s not make a fuss,” they say in the film—well, I say, let’s make a fuss over a good rub! Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I reckon one sesh and I’m basically Brad Pitt—well, Brent Pitt, yeah? Cringey? Sure, but I’m lovin’ it—pure, unfiltered me-time! You should try it, pal—beats a team-building retreat any day!

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I walk in, and the smell of beer hits me. I spot the rat, and it’s just chillin’ on the bar, like it owns the place. I’m tryin’ to be all professional, but inside, I’m crackin’ up. The bartender’s freakin’ out, and I’m like, “Relax, mate. I got this.”

Six in court over Portslade barber shop brawl