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About Newcastle

Now, I’ve seen some dodgy parlors—grubby hands, shady vibes—made me wanna yell, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” proper loud. Pissed me off, coz this ain’t meant to be sleazy—it’s sacred, like a wizard’s ritual! Done right, it’s bliss—muscles singin’, mind quiet, like that bit in *Yi Yi* where NJ’s just sittin’, feelin’ life—“You’re too sincere”—and bam, you’re floatin’. Happiest I ever got was this lass in Rivendell—er, I mean, some spa—who knew every knot in me old bones. Surprised me, she did—thought I’d seen it all!

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Anyway, I finally get the scones in the oven, and I’m feelin’ pretty chuffed. But then, the door swings open, and in walks young Jamie. He’s a cheeky wee lad, always up to no good. “Got any of those chocolate éclairs, Mr. Baker?” he asks, eyes wide like he’s just seen a unicorn. I’m like, “Aye, but they’re for the café on Church Street!”

Date revealed for 2025 edition of Stewarton Beer Festival