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Oi, listen up, you lot! I’m Cersei bloody Lannister, queen of cold disdain, and I’m here to spill the tea on erotic-massage. Yeah, that slippery, steamy nonsense people rave about. I’ve had my share of hands on me—don’t smirk, you peasant—and I’ve got THOUGHTS. Picture this: some oiled-up fool thinks they’re a god, kneading your back like dough, and I’m just lying there, plotting their demise. “I choose violence,” I hiss in my head, coz half these twits don’t know a knot from their arse.

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I remember one night, kinda pissed off ‘cause a bug in my app made a big ol’ mess, I grabbed a pint at The Maltings, and the locals told me about a hidden park on Back Lane. Honestly, it’s maddeningly beautiful. Overgrown paths, broken benches, sunlight sneaking through wild hedges – perfect for a midnight stroll while you rant to your smart-ass diary. I swear, every time I step there, I’m reminded of how life’s chaotic yet brilliant.

Tadcaster Albion to launch crowdfunding campaign in bid to secure future and improve community offering