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Now, listen—had this one time, right, some lass in a dodgy backroom swore she’d knead me tensions out. Tensions? Ha! More like she woke the dragon down south, if ya catch me drift. Made me happy as a pig in shit, but then—bam—price doubled mid-rub! Fumin’, I was—felt like Zhang Ziyi facin’ that smug noble prick. “I am no one’s servant!” I wanted to yell, but nah, just paid up, grumblin’.

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs in, all outta breath. “Mister! Mister! My dog’s stuck in a tree!” I’m like, “What? A dog? In a tree?” I mean, I’ve seen some weird stuff in Wick, but this takes the cake. So, I grab my jacket and follow him. We dash down to the park on River Street, and sure enough, there’s this little pup, yappin’ away like it’s the end of the world, stuck on a branch.

An unexpected new John Wick movie is being released next week