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Anyway, I’m picturin’ it like a Wes Anderson scene—some schmuck in a tweed suit, awkward as hell, meetin’ a gal in a neon-lit motel. “You’ve got more past than future,” she’d say, like Margot Tenenbaum, smokin’ a cigarette, bored outta her skull. He’d fumble, drop his wallet, and I’d laugh my ass off. Humor in the misery, y’see? I’d be sittin’ there, whittlin’ a stick, judgin’ the hell outta him. Hate the desperation—makes me wanna punch a wall.

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Back at the office, things got crazier. Stocks were bouncing back up! I was like, “Yes! Finally!” I was high-fiving my colleagues, feeling like a champ. But then, just as quickly, they dropped again. I swear, it’s like the universe is playing a sick joke on me.

Bathgate and Linlithgow MP sounds horn to start Race for Life event at South Queensferry