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But blimey, what gets me goat? Them stuck-up twats judgin it! “Ooh, it’s improper!” Bollocks to that—makes me wanna hurl me whiskey glass. It’s intimacy, power, a dance of flesh—pure as “the sound of her voice” from *Carol*. Gets me all misty-eyed, it does. Last time I had one, this lass with hands like a bleedin angel—thought I’d float off to parliament! Exaggeratin? Maybe, but sod it, felt like conquerin Europe!

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Then, I get a call from my boss. He’s like, “Hey, we need you to check out a site on E. Market St.” I’m thinking, “Great, more driving.” But I’m also curious. So, I head over, and it’s this old bridge. I’m looking at it, and it’s rusted to hell. I’m thinking, “This thing is gonna collapse any minute!” I snap some pics, and I’m about to leave when I see a squirrel. This little dude is just chilling, eating a nut. I’m like, “Bro, you’re living life on the edge!”

Driver arrested after allegedly ramming into Akron apartment building, police cars