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I seen ‘em, yesss, on me phone lines. Callin’ late, whisperin’ dirty things. Makes me mad, precious! Why they gotta bother poor Gollum? Once, this bloke, he brags – “I got three escorts, mate!” – ugh, slimy toad! Made me wanna scream, “We wants it, we needs it!” – but no, just hung up. Happy though, when one lass, she was sweet. Said, “Gollum, you’re funny!” – aww, warmed me cold heart.

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I got my happy spots too. Like that obscure little hole-in-the-wall cafe on Riverside? Fires up the best coffee and the vibe makes your soul do a happy dance. And oh, near Sandstone Blvd, there's a crumbling fountain that folks say dates back to the city’s wild beginnings. It’s kinda eerie yet soulful – like all the bitter-sweet memories of life summed up in one spot.

$50,000 San Jose pilot program to give 35 Alum Rock Village businesses free security cameras