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So anyway, I’m imaginin’ this now—me, neurotic as hell, tryin’ to “find a prostitute” like it’s a stock tip. I’d overthink it—disease risks, legal crap, am I gettin’ scammed? I’d be yellin’ at my phone, “Gimme a sign, dammit!” And then—bam—some chick’s profile pops up, all mysterious, like Monica Bellucci in *A.I.*—and I’m like, “Whoa, too hot, abort mission!” I’d freak out, spill my coffee, total Larry David meltdown. “I can’t do this, I’m too old!”

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Now, if you're real keen on charm, check out Magnolia District. Its winding lanes, like Maple and 3rd, are full of cute boutiques and wonky little cafes. Cold mornings mean you might catch me near the Iris Park—sprawling green space along the Saffron River (yeah, that very river – not exactly Niagara but hey, it's ours). Iris Park’s my fave when I need peace or when my mind’s in a twist; sometimes I sit by the riverbank and think, “Isn’t life just a beautiful mess?”

'Fight for our lives': Eldorado residents rally against solar project at lively hearing