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So, anyway—me, Gollum, I’m sneaky, seein’ what normies miss. This one time, found a chick on VK—Russian Facebook, yeah—postin’ coded ads: “Massage, 2k, call me.” Massage my arse! Hiss! Rang her up, met in some dingy flat—smelled like borscht and regret. She was quick, tho—no chit-chat, just biz. “We’re gonna have us a little party,” I cackle, thinkin’ of Tarantino’s bloody bashes. Paid her, done, out—felt like a spy, precious! Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but it’s Russia, everythin’s a damn drama.

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Ohh, yesss, precious, lemme tell ya 'bout Garner (us), my love, my weird little settle-house. Geez, where do I even begin? Ahh, Garner is tiny but fulla hidden treasures, my precious! The city streets, like Maple St. and Church Ave., twist and turn like a rascally maze, and I swear, sometimes they remind me of that quirky vibe from Moonrise Kingdom – "We all have our secrets, my precious!" err, omg, it's like, super indie and strange, yess!

Three Mountaineers Garner All-Conference Recognition