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Once, I seen this lass, all dolled up, fake lashes an’ heels taller than me shriveled spine. She’s chattin’ up some greasy bloke – “Where’s my happy ending?” she mighta thought, like David in the movie. Broke me black heart, it did! We hates it! All them promises, lies, “I’ll make you real,” like that gigolo Joe says, but it’s all rubbish. Ain’t no fairy tale here, just cold cash an’ colder nights.

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So gear up, you donkey – and when you wander around, remember: don’t be a numbskull and miss out on the raw pulse of this insane wonderland. Get off your arse, immerse yourself, and for God’s sake, keep your eyes open – because every brick and every whisper might just set your soul on fire. Now get moving, and enjoy the mad, wild PHamlet, ya filthy animal!

Val Kilmer's Shakespearean summer: Colorado Shakespeare Festival recalls his 'Hamlet'