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The cars tho? Obsessed! Ford Escort’s my bae—did you know it raced in rallies? Like, legit sped through mud, total badass! I’d die to drive one, but, like, me behind the wheel? Disaster! I’d crash, obvi, then cry, “Love’s an impossible word!”—Godard, duh—while my mascara runs. So extra, right? But srsly, escorts are EVERYWHERE—cars, peeps, even apps now! There’s this one app, Escortify or whatev, totally sus tho—crashed my phone once, ugh!

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Barbaric? Maybe. But look at the city streets: Walnut St smells of history and grease from old diner meals at Primanti Bros. And oh, the irony of Oakland—home to Heinz Field and the University of Pittsburgh. The vibe every time a game’s on? Wild, raw, and unpredictable. Ain’t that like living in “The Great Beauty”? Moments of exquisite beauty amid chaos.

Photo gallery: Pittsburgh Marathon runs the city