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So, I tried it once—D’oh!—total mess! Lady’s like, “Relax, Homer,” but I’m all tense, thinkin’ bout Marge catchin’ me. Felt like a freakin’ donut gettin’ glazed, ya know? Slippery as hell—oil everywhere! Little fact: they use weird stuff like almond oil, not even donut grease! Surprised me, man, thought it’d be all fake and porny, but nah, it’s legit chill. Got me happy—muscles all loose, like after a good nap. But then—D’oh!—she hits a knot, hurts like hell! “That’s a bingo!” I yell, straight outta Inglourious Basterds. She’s confused, I’m laughin’—classic me.

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Now, listen up, "we shall fight on the beaches…", ‘cause in Reynoldsburg, nature and city life wage a quirky battle every day – a glorious, cinematic battle like in Spotlight (Tom McCarthy, 2015)! Yeah, that's right! When I was massaging after a long day, my mind's eye would wander to the picturesque views along the Smoky Fork River, that sneaky little watercourse sneakin’ through our town, whispering secrets only a true local can hear.

VIDEO: Newark boys drop double overtime thriller to Reynoldsburg