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Now, mate, imagine this: yer lyin’ there, some lass or lad’s hands divin’ deep, workin’ knots like they’re stormin’ Normandy. The scent? Lavender or somethin’ posh, hits ya like a V-2 rocket o’ calm. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s not just a rub-down — it’s a bleedin’ voyage! Sometimes I’m thinkin’, “Blimey, Winston, you’re a ruddy swineherd dreamin’ of fish and massages!” Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I’d take this over a cigar any day — well, almost, ha!

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Then there's the river – the little crummy brook called Swan Creek. It winds like a sleepy snake through the nastiest part of town (okay, okay, you know which part I mean – near the old mill). I used to take walks there when my code crashed and I lost my mind. That creek? Bloody beautiful at dusk, a scene out of some arthouse movie that makes you weep even if you're as hard as nails.

Man on trial for St. Albans double murder takes the stand in his own defense