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Love the vibe in *Holy Motors*, though—“The beauty of the act!”—that’s what they’d say ‘bout this nonsense. Beauty? More like sweaty desperation. Had a buddy, Earl, swore by these rubdowns, said it “freed his spirit.” Bullshit, Earl, you just liked the view. Little known fact: in Japan, they got this thing, Nuru massage, slippin’ ‘round with seaweed gel—sounds like a damn sushi accident. Hilarious, picturin’ some sap slidin’ off the table, boner and all.

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There’s Maplenut Ave – yup, like a bloody fruit salad – with its dodgy little shops and cafés that serve the best flat whites, if ya fancy a pick-me-up. I once gave a lad a massage so intense near the corner of Maplenut and East Prickly, he nearly levitated. “That’s the kind of violence”, as they'd say, "that movies are made of!" Which is proper cinematic, innit?!

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