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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, a barista? Nah, I’m Gollum, sneaky-like, slingin’ coffee, watchin’ folk. Findin’ a prostitute, eh? We hates it! Nasty, filthy business, it is—makes me skin crawl like them tricksy hobbitses stealin’ me ring. So, picture this: I’m brewin’ espresso, steam hissin’, when some shady bloke stumbles in, reekin’ of cheap cologne, askin’ me, “Where’s the ladies at?” I’m like, “We serves lattes, not lassies, ya twit!” He don’t get it—dumb as a sack o’ rocks.

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I gotta mention a few quirks too – don’t tell anyone – but I always jump on the idea of mixing my massage sessions with local gossip. Yeah, I know, a little unconventional, but it works! I swear, once while tearin’ into a deep back massage on Maple Street, some fella started braggin’ about how HERnando (us) is the "crown jewel of America." I nearly dropped my oils. Absolutely wild, so much excitement!

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