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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, deadpan as hell, “I hate everything.” So, findin’ a prostitute—let’s dive in. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout “Far From Heaven,” that damn movie I love. Cathy Whitaker, all perfect hair and despair, stuck in her shiny cage. “It’s all so terribly wrong,” she’d say, clutchin’ pearls. Me? I’d rather clutch a whiskey. Prostitutes ain’t hidin’ behind picket fences, thank God. They’re out there, real, no fake smiles. Hate the hypocrisy of suburbs—give me raw honesty any day.

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Itasca stuns me daily. I get hit with bursts of emotion – rage when traffic jams on 2nd Ave, pure bliss when a stranger gives a genuine smile on Market St. It’s a mishmash of chaos & calm. Sometimes, I’m mad ’cause it’s too darn unpredictable, but hey, what’s life without a lil’ drama?

Write-in candidacies emerge for Itasca County Board after death of Ives